I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
