like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
