I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
