Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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