i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
