What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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