M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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