Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We need to get me chipped asap
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
