Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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