turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
