i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
