I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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