I should be sponsored by Trojan
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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