I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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