did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
