Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
