I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
