I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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