the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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