you're like a bully in the Christmas story
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
