My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
