These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
