i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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