my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
