i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
