Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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