Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
