I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
