Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
