you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
