I want to have your abortion
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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