Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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