Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
