i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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