New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
