I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
