I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
