I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
