I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
