It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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