That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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