Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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