Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
