I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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