dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
