I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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