we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
