our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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