i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
