i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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